


death didn't hurt as much

by izzieee



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Canonical Child Abuse, F/M, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, NaruHina 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:26:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23504569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzieee/pseuds/izzieee
Summary: He was the hero of the Hidden Leaf, finally acknowledged. Pain was defeated. Her friends were alive and well.She shouldn't be hurting.
Relationships: Hyuuga Hinata & Uzumaki Naruto, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 27
Kudos: 195
Collections: NaruHina2020





	1. and there will be no grand choirs to sing

**Author's Note:**

> naruhina 2020 - "too late/missed opportunities." 
> 
> here we go

She always felt uncomfortable in crowds, with people screaming and leaning on each other. She wrapped herself more in her hoodie. Too many people with too much to say in loud voices made her anxious, made her feel smaller in any environment, her voice lower and lower. But at that moment she was happy to be there.   
  
Because that crowd was there for Naruto, to congratulate him, to recognize him as the hero he was, to get rid of the dirty image they had created of him as a poor child, and to plant that image of the boy who had faced Pain, saved the village, and come back alive.   
  
Sakura approached Naruto, passing by the children who were trying to attach themselves to him, drowning him with questions and more questions, enchanted by him. Hinata knew the feeling. Sakura gave him a punch, but soon after was holding him and hugging him. Hinata could not help but smile, even if something hurt, deep down, something that made her feel shallow.   
  
But still, she smiled and let the tears fall, there in the middle of all those people, because at that moment the focus was not her. It never was, in fact.   
  
She was genuinely happy for Naruto. For the village. For the lives saved. For everything that victory meant.   
  
When Naruto and Sakura approached the old friends who formed Konoha 12, Hinata found herself retreating. She greeted them but didn't look them in the eye. Suddenly she felt apprehensive. She felt like crying. Her chest had started to hurt, and she couldn't tell if it was because one of Pain's stakes had gone through it a few hours ago.   
  
"I guess you're not so bad after all." Ino provoked him, but with a suggestive tone. Which made her team and Sakura give her a funny look.   
  
"This way you can even go against me and try to turn into Hokage for real." Kiba added.

"As if you have a chance!" Natuto fired back. "I'll turn into Hokage right after Grandma Tsunade retires! Believe it!"

Hinata allowed herself to open a small smile. She was a little hidden in Shino's shadow and not adding anything to the conversation.   
  
"We should celebrate!" Choji finally suggested.

"Yeah, we really should." Sakura seemed tired, but her tone was softer than usual. Kinder.

"Yes! Let's go to Ichiraku!" Naruto suggested, enthusiastically.   
  
"Oh God, not again." Tenten whispered, with an expression that made her look frighteningly like her teammate, Neji.

"What a drag." Shikamaru threw his hands behind his neck, stretching.

"Today is Naruto's day! He should be able to choose!" Lee closed his hand in a dramatic fashion.

"Yes! Thank you, thick eyebrows!"   
  
Hinata hid further behind Shino. In part, she wanted to go. She wanted to be there to celebrate Naruto on such a happy day. But she didn't feel happy, not completely. And this unhappiness, this pain in her chest, this nausea, made her disgusted with herself. She should only be happy for Naruto. But again she was being selfish.   
  
"Hinata?" Shino's voice was low, directed only at her. He didn't even turn to face her.

"Yes, Shino-kun?"   
  
"Are you alright?"

_No. Not really._

"Y-yes. I'm just tired. My body aches a little." Shino kept quiet, he didn't even give a sign of listening, but Hinata knew he did. "I think...I should go home."   
  
She looked in the direction of Naruto. He and the others, including Kiba, were a little away from her and Shino. Actually, it was the other way around. She had retreated with every word exchanged.   
  
"Do you want to say goodbye?" Shino asked, and she understood that if she snuck out, he'd make some excuse, as true and as false as her excuse of being tired.   
  
"I will see them tomorrow, I think." He nodded, and she felt her stomach fall. She was being a coward. She was withdrawing again, like the steps she'd taken back, but this time back to being the _timid, gloomy, always terrified and basically completely weird_ girl.   
  
Shino turned to her, and as always, as he and Kurenai and Kiba always seemed to do, he read everything in her eyes.   
  
"You were brave enough for today."   
  
Hinata didn't think it was true. That had nothing to do with courage.   
  
_I'm just being selfish._

"Thank you, Shino-kun." Her eyes were teary and she dropped her head before he could see it. But he probably knew it. "I'll be going now."

She walked in the opposite direction of Naruto, her friends, the crowd and all the joy from that event. She went home and with each step she felt her body weaker, as if she were going to collapse at any moment.   
  
Sakura had healed her. The pain that she felt in her chest was not from the place where she had been hit by the stake of Pain. She knew those symptoms well. Her father liked to say they were the symptoms of her weakness. For years she believed they were. Kurenai said it was called _anxiety_. Sometimes she believed it. Most times, she believed her dad. 

The shame of her cowardice only added to her misery. She couldn't run away from Naruto forever. She didn't want that.

But what would she say? What was enough to make him just forget? She was supposed to die.   
  
She spotted Ko and greeted him. He answered with a nod, but his lips were greeted and his posture was tense. She shook.

"Hinata."   
  
_Maybe I should've died._  
  
"Hiashi-sama." She bowed a little.   
  
"Don't _ever_ dare do that again." They hadn't got in the house yet. Ko was right there, just like other Hyugas. Her grandfather stared at her with his arms crossed from the inside. Everyone could hear him, even more in that tone.   
  
Hinata didn't dare to move.

"You humiliated yourself in front of the whole village. You humiliated your clan." He wasn't screaming, but his tone was high. Hinata had never heard him talk like that before. "All the shinobis were ordered not to interfere. You disobeyed those orders. And worst of all...you lost."   
  
Hiashi Hyuga was many things. Among them, a private man. The fact that he reprimanded her in front of everyone, without measuring words or embellishing his speeches frightened her. So much so that she couldn't look away as she used to. It was like the fight against Neji years ago.

"You're not the heiress, and if you were, from now on you wouldn't be. But you're still a Hyuga of the main family. Don't make me change that." She felt nauseated. If she wasn't in shock, maybe her pressure would drop and she'd go out. It wouldn't be such a bad option. The cowardly way out, a symptom of her weakness. "And the reason you did that?"   
  
It took her a while to realize it was a question.

"He...N-Narut-" She couldn't finish. She would stutter the phrase out and her father would get even more furious.   
  
"You were ordered not to interact with him. Orders that you also disobeyed." She saw her father sigh, her veins bulging, her eyes glowing. It had been years since she saw him so alive. "Besides...that boy doesn't care about you. None of those kids do. And you shouldn't care about them. The value you place on your life is the same as the others will place."

Hinata had trouble breathing, but she still stood there. Swallowing every word of her father and the silence of others. Something inside her was bending, squirming, as if she were being sucked into herself. A few terrifying minutes of silence passed.

"Go to your room."

She did.   
  
[...]

"Hm, Shino? Where's Hinata?" Kiba asked, trying to locate his other teammate, looking beyond Shino.   
  
"She needed to go to the Hyuga compound. Her dad wanted her there."

"Wait, Hinata isn't coming with us?" Ino asked.

"I'm afraid not."   
  
Everyone was silent for a few seconds. Neji sighed too loudly and some turned to him. Tenten opened his mouth to speak but Naruto interrupted her.   
  
"Is she in trouble?" His voice was so low that most of them had to look at him to make sure it was him, _Naruto Uzumaki,_ speaking in that tone.

"She's going to be alright." Neji responded, but he was looking away with a worried face. No one felt comfortable.   
  
"I, hm, wanted to speak with her..." Naruto looked down.

"Maybe some other time." Shino put his hand on his jacket's pockets, and once again, they were all silent.   
  
There wasn't much to say. Their friend had almost died. They didn't know what she was feeling or what she was experiencing right now.   
  
The focus was on Naruto, he won, he proved people wrong, he saved them.   
  
Hinata only survived. And people forget about those who survive.   
  
Naruto didn't feel like celebrating now.

Sakura put a hand on his sholder. "We should get going."

"Yeah, it's getting _dark_." Kiba said.

[...]

Hinata entered her room and locked the door behind her carefully, to be quiet. She felt that even a simple noise could annoy her father even more.

Hinata felt humiliated by too much to even process. She just wanted to lie down and sleep, wake up years later, at a time when her clan had forgotten about her and Naruto about her confession.   
  
Maybe he would be married to Sakura. Maybe he would finally get her to recognize him as more than a teammate. Maybe he would be already Hokage. Maybe he would have a family, children with pink hair and blue eyes and an incredible brutal strength mixed with a peculiar humor. Maybe he would be happy as never before.   
  
Hinata thought she should be, too. For him. For Sakura. For all of them.  
  
_But will my heart hurt like this? Will it ever stop hurting?_  
  
She fell on the bed, taking her hands to her chest and feeling her heartbeat. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.   
  
_Why would you fight me? Knowing...you'll only die._

She had a spasm with the memory of something going through her chest, the terrible pain, the warm blood against her skin, the screams that were getting more and more distant...

Suddenly she felt her body burn.   
  
Her hands went to the zipper of her hoodie but she couldn't open it. She pushed hard but seemed to be stuck. She felt the tears coming down. She didn't know why she was crying now. She was just so, so angry at her zipper. 

She heard the noise of the fabric tearing and she stopped forcing it. She pulled out her jacket and also her shirt in the process.   
  
She looked at her abdomen. Below her left breast, hidden in part by her bra, there was a big, ugly scar, the irritated, pink skin looked grotesque. She felt sick.   
  
She quickly found a blouse to wear.   
  
She should take a bath and eat. She was supposed to get ready to train when Neji came back. She should formally apologize to her father and the elders.   
  
She should forget about Naruto and stop being selfish.   
  
But now she was stuck, as in the fight against Pain, clinging to the ground, struggling to breathe. Everything hurt too much. Existing was the worst thing she could do after discovering the eyes of death.

 _Maybe I should've died. Maybe that wouldn't be selfish._  
  
It would only be cowardice. But a coward was something she was used to being.   
  
She closed her eyes and saw Naruto. His smile, his happiness, the children calling his name, Sakura hugging him and people praising him like a god.   
  
She hoped that was forever. She hoped he could be happy, have the biggest amount of happiness that could fit in a person. She hoped he could be hokage, be respected, be in love and loved back, have a family and be safe. Forever and always.

 _I love you. I always will._  
  
But her heart would never stop hurting.


	2. is it anything and everything you hoped for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was surprised and glad to see so many people wanted a continuation of this story. I didn't plan anything before, it was supposed to be a one-shot. But I thought about what I could do and well, it's more angst lol. For now, at least. I plan on doing another chapter of course, I started writing it even before this one but I don't know when I'm going to finish it. But this is Naruto's side of things and also, this was supposed to be canon compliant at first, but since I'm adding more chapters, I'm excluding all the events in Naruto: The Last Movie.  
> I hope you like it! I'm sorry about typos or errors, this was written in portuguese first.

> “The darker the night, the brighter the stars,  
>  The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”  
>  ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov 

* * *

Naruto woke up just before he felt his body hit the floor. His heart was pounding with the shock of the fall. He pulled the air into his chest as if he were underwater, but somehow it felt worse than being drowned. He relaxed his body against the floor and closed his eyes, trying to regulate his breathing and situate himself in the environment. Lately, waking up was a funny experience, to say the least.

  
Since the end of the war, he used to have these nightmares. He had nightmares before. When he was younger and lived in isolation, even before Iruka recognized him, he used to have dreams about emptiness, about the dark, with laughter. He ended up sleeping with lights on, which generated more expenses, and sometimes less money for food. But he couldn't handle that darkness.

  
His reality was quite different now. He had just turned eighteen, he was no longer a child. There was no need to beg for missions, but to discard many of them. People didn't run away from him anymore, but he did hide from people often. Everyone seemed positive about his future as a Hokage despite the little knowledge and experience he had in political affairs.

  
It was the dream of a boy who passed shop windows with teary eyes, feeling the weight of the few coins in his pocket. Now he could almost feel sorry for himself, remembering everything his childhood had been. Now he could almost give a reason for all his mistakes and successes, seeing a cliché unfold as in Jiraiya's books.

A poor boy, neglected, placed on the margins of society, unfairly judged for things beyond his control. A boy who grows up to prove to everyone that he was always more than they believed.  


The only thing that broke the cliché, that killed the moral of his story, was the emptiness he felt.  
  


[...]

It was late afternoon and it was getting dark in Konoha. Seen from above, from the Hokage monument, the village seemed the most serene place in the world. It was almost comical compared to the damage that had been done not that long ago.

  
He rested his chin against his knees, getting lost in his head and watching the children run throwing toy kunais. Seeing children like that, free and happy, made him cheerful and made him want to join them, even though he was already too big to play with children that age. Today, however, seeing them made him feel more empty and alone. He felt like mourning the child he was never allowed to be.

Maybe it all came down to this. The cold in the stomach, the lack of mood and appetite, the sleepless nights, the world that seemed to be getting slower and slower. He took a long breath.

"Naruto."

He didn't react, thinking he imagined it. What were the chances of someone going up there at the exact same time as him? But he heard the voice again and he turned his face to check.

  
Iruka never changed, at least not for Naruto. He had the same appearance since the time that Naruto was still a child who did not know how to use the shadow clone jutsu. He was always helpful, calm, a little rigid at times and very attached to rules and traditions, but he always had an open mind. Above all, he was still like a father to him. Something he couldn't quite verbalize, but they both knew.

"What are you doing up here alone?" Iruka sat next to you.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

  
“I saw you. I was going home after finishing some stuff at the academy. I wanted to check on you. ” Naruto felt that enthusiasm and gratitude that he felt when he was a little boy and Iruka invited him to eat ramen. Iruka’s support always left him a little overwhelmed.

"Oh." He sat a little straigher, trying to look like his normal self. He tried to smile a little but it was like his whole face was protesting. "I'm okay."

Iruka remained silent for a few minutes and Naruto remained alert and uncomfortable. He always had a lot to say and Iruka always had a lot of questions. Now he wished that Iruka hadn't gone up there, that he hadn't seen him. This feeling made him ashamed of himself.

"Shikamaru said you’re not hanging out with him that much lately."

Naruto snorted.

"He saw me two days ago."

"He used to see you every day."

"Well, I'm busy." He almost apologized shortly after responding because his tone was a little harsh. He didn't like to speak like that with Iruka, especially now that he was already an adult and knew better than to lash his emotions on someone else.

“I know. We know. We’re just worried about you, Naruto. ” He could feel Iruka staring at him. He shallowed his discomfort.

"There’s no need for that."

Iruka moved, and for a moment Naruto thought he was going to leave, but he just crossed his legs and settled himself more against the stone where the face of the fourth hokage, Minato Uzumaki, was sculpted.

"What about Hinata?"

He felt his heart speed up at once. His face heated up and he looked down, taking a deep breath. He was slightly irritated. Why was he asking about Hinata, just like that? 

"What about her?" He didn't like the way he sounded. His voice cracking, low, strange. He didn't like his own reaction either. 

"I'ts been a long time since I saw you two hanging out." Naruto shrugged. "I thought you two were closer after...everything." 

Naruto was stressed. He didn't want to talk about anything, especially not about Hinata. He didn't want to talk about her or how he missed seeing her, or how he hid from her and tried to ignore her presence whenever she was around. He didn't want to think about his words, the ones he never said, the was he was so terrified of ever finding. He didn't want to think about her stupid long hair and the way if seemed to nice and soft. Or her skin, her shoulders, her neck, her eyes. Her whole body and face, and just, _her._ He never thought someone so sweet, gentle and remarkably forbearing would ever be able to haunt him like she did. 

But it was his fault, not hers.

"You should talk to her." 

Naruto finally looked at him, surprised at his suggestion and the look in his face. Gentle, understanding, lenient.

"I don't know how."

Iruka chuckled. 

" _You_ don't know how to talk?"

"I don't know how to talk to _her_." Naruto forced his eyes closed, trying not to drown in his shame.

How could he face her? Which words would he use? Would he be able to focus on anything other than her eyes and how they were so bright it made him feel like they didn't end? Was there a way for him not to look at her lips and think, for the first time, what would be really like to kiss a girl? Not a girl, her. Because he wanted to. So bad. But he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to kiss her lips, to see her smile, to hold her hand, to hear her quiet voice and her giggles, to feel her hair tickling his face. But God, how much he wanted to.

Iruka smiled, his eyes softening again. 

"It's not hard to talk to Hinata."

Yeah, normally it wouldn't be. Hinata was easy to talk to. She listened well, she was empathetic, she was polite and caring. She was easy to have around. Not only easy, but nice. 

He missed her. 

"Iruka, you know, right?" Naruto asked him. He must have sounded desperate or lost because Iruka frowned, looking worried and wary. "You know Hinata loves me."

He relaxed, taking a deep breath.

"Yes. For a long time, yes." Iruka looked over Naruto, trying to recall something. "I noticed her infatuation with you since an very early age. She was always hesitant towards everyone, but especially you. It was almost like she was afraid and maybe you thought she was. But she used to smile quietly every time you did something dumb to draw attention. Hinata was...a little too sad for a kid. She never interacted much, never spoke to people if they didn't speak to her first. I was very worried about her, but there wasn't much I could do for a Hyuga. But still, every time you were near...She was happier. I guess she loved you before she knew what that meant."

Naruto felt his heart heavier and his shame greater. He was even more terrified of Hinata, of her feelings, of his own. How could she? What was there to love so much about him? They were so young. At that time, he was full of anger and hurt and loud words. He couldn't even remember their interactions without hating himself. He was so inconsiderate and abrasive. He said whatever came to mind, he overlooked her reasons and actions, he treated her with less care that she deserved. And what she deserved...Wasn't him. Couldn't be. 

"I don't understand, Iruka-sensei." Naruto felt his throat so tight it was hard to talk. He wanted to cry. He felt the tears in his eyes. He was so over the edge lately, he was so tired and tired of being tired. Talking about Hinata just triggered everything. "I know I'm dumb...but I tried so hard to understand this. It doesn't make sense. I- I don't get it. What made her love _me_? And...since that time...I would understand maybe, now, I don't know, but I was so unsufferable. You know this. I'm still am, kinda. I'm...I'm hard to love and-"

And she makes it seem so easy. 

"You're not, Naruto." Iruka touched his shoulder and he realized how tense he was. His shoulders were trembling, his eyes wide. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that way. I'm sorry it took me a while to get there and get to know you. But that's on me. You were- you are a wonderful kid, Naruto."

He hated the remorse he could hear in Iruka's voice. Like he didn't save his life so many times. Like he wasn't there for him in ways no one else was. Like he wasn't his saving grace.

"You don't have to apologized for anything. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, Iruka-sensei."

He heard Iruka sniffling and he looked away. He couldn't deal with Iruka crying now, he could barely deal with himself. He knew he would lose it and break down crying. He was always sensitive like that.

"Regardless...You were always great and deserving of love, Naruto. I hope you believe me. Once I got rid of my own prejudice, it was the easiest thing in the world taking care of you. I'm here for you now too, and always will be. You're not my responsability-" He paused. "You are my choice."

Naruto pressed his lips together, his eyes hazy with tears.

"You may not know, or understand, how or why she loves you. But she does. A lot." Did she? Did she still...After his coward self run away from her. Would she love him, even know? "And don't think of her as too good for you. She isn't." Naruto opened his mouth to argue, but Iruka kept going without letting him get the words out. "She isn't better or worse than you, maybe at times she was, maybe you saw all her good traits and moments, but don't do that to her. Don't put her on a pedestal. Don't think of her as perfect. Her family tried to mold her into something she wasn't, something she couldn't be. Don't do the same. It's not fair."

Naruto was silent. He couldn't fathom all he meant, but he felt he was right. Iruka usually was.

"She's your friend. Just talk to her. Let that hurt go." 

He nodded, feeling the tears finally fall. Iruka got up, with his hand still on his shoulders. 

"Don't go back on your word." 

With his eyes full of tears, he smiled.

"That's our ninja way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iruka stans where yall at


	3. we were reaching in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm cheating so I will count this as Naruhina 2020 june's theme: Drunken shenanigans. I don't think this is what you would expect from this theme though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally 😭  
> I don't have much to say except thank you for reading and asking for a continuation, I had fun even though this story was beating my ass since I'm a mediocre writer and I wanted more drama than I could handle lol  
> I promise I will respond to your comments, I'm just really busy and overwhelmed at the moment, but I read everything and I appreciate every single word <3  
> This chapter was heavily inspired by The end of love by Florence + the machine (if you maybe noticed by the title...and my other florence allusions...) and I feel the need to say that lmao  
> Thank you for reading! Enjoy and if you don't kindly (please) let me know why

There was something bittersweet about celebrations, at least from Hinata's point of view. Perhaps the melodrama was stagnant within her, because it was difficult to live happy moments without feeling a little afraid and melancholic.

She didn't know if it was something that others experienced. She got used to the title of weird, but, she didn't know how far the others related with her oddness.

Lost in reverie, she almost ran into Ino's body; she was visibly clutched, holding a toothy smile. She murmured apologies to Hinata and held her hand for a while, then headed for one of the stalls selling drinks.

Hinata sighed deeply, smiling a little and feeling her eyes water with the breeze. Perhaps the fact that she could not be like that, free in a drunken way, walking around the streets in the way Ino and several of her friends did, was one of the reasons for celebrations to make her uncomfortable. She was not used to such environments, and she didn't know how to act. Her rational part told her that these were her friends, that they had a lot of patience and affection for her, and would never make her to be a joke, no matter how she behaved or how she moved.

Besides, the rest were strangers, people who could laugh at will, but the next day they wouldn't remember her face. But she was trained to be the girl who read people, who knew when they were mad and disappointed; and she faced the consequences every time.

So when she was acting too silly, too freely, laughing a little too loud and making some witty boderline mean comments with her team, she felt a chill down her spine. The Hyugas had no parties, no fireworks or decorations. They celebrated traditions with a respect that was greater than the regard they had for the clan itself; their people, as individuals.

Hinata had always been tragically sober.

Like now.

She let her gaze wander, until she found a forgotten bench, out of the light, but close enough that Sakura and Ino wouldn't accuse her of running away.

She sat down and closed her eyes, trying to let the cold wind free her of that feeling of non-belonging, trying to free herself from the constant weight on her chest. The loneliness never left her, not even in moments like this, when the last thing she should feel was solitude. But she was always so, so very alone in her head.

Sometimes she could get busy, sometimes she could get too focused on missions and clan business, or she could be too happy to care - even though it was rare. But the loneliness came back every time.

Now, at least, she was at peace.

She didn't need her eyes to know when someone sat next to her.

"Hinata!"

The calm feeling was gone, leaving room for discomfort, now more cruel and unforgiving. She felt like vommiting the dangos she had earlier. This couldn't be happening to her. From all the voices in the world, from all the people in the village, from all the possibilities of meeting, from every day of the year.

Naruto at her side at that moment was a little too cruel, and she regretted not getting drunk for the simple fact that she didn't like the taste of alcohol. Her eyes widened and she avoided looking at him.

"Hinata, I don't think I ever saw you wearing yellow."

A comment so random it almost made her laugh, but she just ducked her head, nodding. "We haven't seen each other for so long...Three months? Um...less, I think, we saw each other that time when Neji won the bet against Shikamaru. But at least a couple of months. That's quite a long time!"

She knew he was gesturing, and from the way his voice dragged and his tone was louder than usual, she imagined he was drunk too. She never saw him drunk, but Sakura constantly complained about it. Thinking about Sakura and Naruto at the same time just made her a little more sick. She was trying. She was trying since forever, and she was better at it, but he...

"Yes, Naruto-kun." She nodded again, clasping her hands on her yukata.

"You never talked much, did you?" He laughed. She felt a chill go up her spine. "I think our conversations have always been...You listening while I talk and talk. It doesn't seem very fair, but...at the same time, I think you are the person who has the most patience to listen to the useless nonsense I say."

"You don't say nonsense, Naruto-kun."

Correcting him about that was automatic, a natural reaction that came from her. People used to not see that opening behind his speeches, that slightly more harsh laugh that followed comments about his lack of intelligence or understanding. Because for all his confidence, he was still human. He still felt insufficient in some areas, especially when people were constantly asking things from him and expecting too much. He was a hero, not Naruto, not the child they ignored and hurt. They felt like he was theirs, like Konoha had him, as if he now served them as a duty and not out of kindness, and that made her so angry.

"But I kinda do." He laughed, making a small part of her want to laugh with him. "Sakura says I'm a poet when I'm not speaking."*

At the mention of Sakura, she bit her lips. She was trying to hold it in. She didn't like that feeling, close to jealousy, but a little conformist. She loved Sakura, she grew close to her and admired her so much. She didn't want her friend's name to cause her pain. She wanted to be happy with her and for her. They never talked about Naruto in a romantic sense, mainly because she didn't want to, she was trying to get over him. Much like Sakura didn't talk about Sasuke. She didn't know if Sakura ever had feelings for Naruto, and she didn't want to think about it. If the moment came, she would be happy for them. She would take her heart out and smash it with her bare hands so she wouldn't feel this awful, shallow, terrifyingly human feeling she was experiencing.

She could talk to Naruto and be her friend. A good, present friend who talks back. She would be there for him for now on. Her heart would have to learn it's place.

"Hinata..." She slowly turn her head to him. "Do you still love me?"

It took her a long second to assimilate his question, and when she did, she met Naruto's eyes, more blue than they were two months ago. And for the perceptive person she was, she was never as lost as she was at that moment, facing an expression that had nothing that she was able to read at the moment. Like he was hiding something from himself. "What?"

"You said you did, two years ago. Do you still love me?"

And now she saw; the way he blinked too many times and his lips trembled a bit. The way he seemed to be forcing himself to look at her in the eyes. But she didn't know what to make of it. Maybe because she was so shocked, so unprepared for this situation.

Naruto never talked about that. They never confronted each other. She tought he forgot. Or maybe he was afraid of hurting her with the truth of his lack of reciprocation. And now, just now, he brought it back. When she had decided the day before that she would let her feelings go to another place. Maybe now he finally felt comfortable to talk to her and say he doesn't feel that way.

She wasn't blaming him, she truly couldn't even think about being mad about that, but the timing was the worst. She wanted to be at peace with her decisions, she wanted to feel strong and sufficient, but now she could barely look him in the eyes.

If she was a little younger, a little less used to the feeling of confrontation and uneasiness, maybe she would've passed out right there.

But she had a little steel in her, a little of that Hyuga blood that made her not shake in situations like these. Her stutter was long gone, even if the feelings behind it still remained. He was still looking at her with the same intensity she couldn't read. Or bear.

"I said I always would." She responded, turning away from him. She felt her throat closing and she had to clench her teeth. She wanted to cry all her hurt. She wanted to run. She wanted to be mad at him like her friends were once. How could he ask? How could he not know?

"But did you mean it?"

She could feel his eyes on her. Her body spammed, the ghost sensation of a rod going through her body. She lifted her hand as a reflex, to protect her chest. Was her love really that hard to read? When she had almost died proclaiming it? Her heart was so ready to break again she felt like the only way to stop it would be dying before anything else could happen.

"Do you...Do you think I lied to you?" She knew she sounded a little aggressive. She felt anger burning her, and it was new, and it made her feel ugly, which made her feel angrier. Naruto's eyes widened and he quickly tried to explain it;

"No!" He almost shouted. "No, I just...I mean...You say so, I believe you. But how? You know? I can't...I don't get it. You said you loved me but...you love me in a way I can't understand."

"I don't know what to say to you, Naruto-kun." She said quietly, trying not to stutter, trying to make her words clear. She didn't knew what to say, and she didn't want to say anything.

"Hinata, I- I don't want to ask anything from you, so you don't have to answer me. I just wanted to know why..."

She closed her eyes.

She wanted the way out. She wanted to run away, again. She wanted to be the coward her father thought she was. The easy way out. But she was tired, so tired of everything. On top of her fear, there was this hurt, and it was tearing her apart.

She didn't want to face death to be brave. She didn't want to shy away from inevitable confrontations. For years she had been avoiding some things, sugarcoating others, making everything comfortable for everyone.

_Who made it comfortable for me?_

How could she explain it to him?

She wasn't sure.

But she had to.

"You remember when you told me you felt like a failure? And then you...you said you felt confident after we talked?" He nodded, too focused on her face for her to be at ease. "You make me feel like that all the time. Since you saved me, when I was younger, I started being inspired by you. Seeing you smile, watching you train, listen to you speak about your dream...It made me confident too. Brave. You made me like myself and...better. You made me better."

"I didn't do-"

"You did." She cut him, and it was too late. Her tears were falling, her voice was cracking. She was getting that off her chest. "I was always terrified as a kid. My mom- she died from sadness, my dad hated me, Hanabi distanced herself and Neji was disgusted by me. They had their reasons, but it hurt me so bad. I gave up so many times, and I-I was so weak. I had a house, I had a family, I had a babysitter, I had food, I had so many things that you didn't and yet you tried more than me. So I wanted to be like you. And I loved you for being you." She noticed how he flinched at that. "I'm the one who didn't do enough for you. I'm sorry."

"What? What are you saying?" He chuckled, embarrassed, with his voice too loud and uncertain. "You didn't have to do anything for me. You were just a kid."

"So were you." She lamented.

"Hinata, you almost died for me." She flinched, looking away from his face. She breathed, slowly, counting, moving her fingers as a distraction.

She didn't like to remember that day. It made her react in strange ways. Sometimes she cried out of shame, sometimes her body burned, sometimes her head hurt.

Sometimes, more rarely, she wished she had died.

She shook her head.

_No, you don't._

"Thank you for saving me." He sniffed, and she was surprised. She slowly nodded, assimilating his words, digesting them. She was shocked by everything they said to each other since the moment he sat down next to her. She never talked that much, especially about her feelings. And especially not to him.

"I'm sorry...for not responding. For hurting you. I was a terrible friend, and I know this is late and not enough, but I'm sorry." He choked on his words, and she wanted to look at him, but she knew she couldn't bear to see him crying. "I didn't understand, and I still don't. I heard you now and I feel something similar. You inspired me, you impressed me all the time, and that...you...scare me so much."

Hinata could feel the tightness of her chest, making it harder for her to breathe.

"Sorry! I'm dumb! I didn't mean it like a bad thing." She looked at him from behind her hair, without fully facing him. Her tears were drying on her face. "I mean being scared is bad, I guess. But it's not your fault. You are just too good for me to understand why you would feel the same way about me."

_The same way? The same way about him? No, he didn't feel the same way she did._

He really didn't understand her. She took a deep breath.

"It's okay, Naruto-kun. I don't blame you. You don't need to understand my feelings completely..." She got up, fists clenched, blinking slowly to keep the tears away. Her body couldn't stop trembling and she would blame the wind. "I'm sorry too, that this has been haunting you. You're a good friend and you saved me too. You don't owe me anything and I'll always be your friend." She braced herself to prepare for her next words.

This isn't how she pictured this. Letting go, saying goodbye, breaking a cycle, all in one night, with a few words and some tears. The moon watching their every move, their friends too drunk to care.

"I know how you feel about Sakura. And I love her too, she's one of the best friends I have." She smiled a little at that. This would never not be true, and she would always be grateful for having her friends. "You shouldn't give up on your love." Hurt, hurt, her chest constricting down, her tongue too heavy on her mouth. "You shouldn't go back on your word! I'm sure she will fall for you, if she hasn't already. And you two would be wonderful together." She forced a smile, a big one, not even fake, but not completely truthful.

"Please...be happy. Don't worry about my words. I'm not going to get in the away. I meant what I said two years ago...and that's why...that's why..." She was looking behind him, to the trees, her head feeling like it was going to explode. But she would be free if she got all her words out. "I want you to achieve all your dreams and I will support you in every decision you make."

She bend her body a little, making a small reverence.

"Good night, Naruto-kun."

_Let me be brave. Let me be free. I dont want it to hurt anymore._

She looked into his eyes, wanting to see them for the last time that night. But she was shaken, astonished at what they were showing.

 _It's all in your eyes._ He had said that to her during the war. Strange how she remembered his words now, looking at him.

Before, it was like he could read her mind looking at her. Now, it was like she could see something that couldn't be materialized or even spoken of. He was crying, his tears were falling carelessly, and his eyes were locked with hers. She couldn't move.

There were so many things to read, and she couldn't say it out loud. But it was so powerful that somehow she understood. Her mouth opened but she couldn't speak. It was all in his eyes.

Her knees dropped to the ground, right in front of him. He hugged her a second after, dropping to the ground with her, holding her midsection, his arms squeezing her a little too hard, but it felt good.

Being in his arms.

She would be sad, thinking it was a proper goodbye. But she saw his eyes and she felt his arms around her, and his breath against her neck and his tears falling on her shoulders, and she knew before she acknowledged it.

Before his words met her ears.

"Thank you for loving me when I didn't feel lovable. I'm sorry for not realizing sooner about your feelings...or mine. I'm sorry. I will make it up to you if- if you let me." He squeezed her harder. "I don't want all the love in the world, I don't want to beg Sakura-chan for a different kind of love and I don't...I don't dream about any other love but yours. I just want you." Everything inside her broke, came crashing down, like a wave washing away everything inside her, emptying her and letting something else take place. "I love you, Hinata."

And it didn't hurt at all.


End file.
